Sunday, May 5, 2013

Regrets

It's so easy to read Scripture and shake our heads, saying to ourselves, "What were they thinking?" "How in the world could they do something like that?" and yet we as a nation have done it for years, and we as individuals have made many of the same mistakes we judge these Bible characters for doing, and yet feel entitled to the promised blessings . . .

I recently read an article about a mother who said she regretted having children. I was, of course, like many of those who left comments, floored, and felt very sorry for her children. I can honestly say, I regret nearly everything I did between the age of 15 and 35. Oh, I was trying to do the right thing, but the mountain of regrets is only movable by the grace and forgiveness of my Creator, in the redemptive sacrifice of His Son. The mountain of regrets no longer stands in front of me, but there is still sorrow regarding some of those boulders which have rolled into and onto the next generations of our society. I know this next statement may be horrifically judged, but I had to confess it to my Heavenly Father and we are told in James to confess our sins, that we may be healed, raised up, and forgiven.

I regret motherhood. I don't regret my children, I failed my children. I love my children and my grandchildren! My regret is in the way I handled motherhood. I gave birth to beautiful children, I adopted great kids who were older, but I wasn't a good mother. I failed at motherhood, I failed miserably and it has horrible long term effects. I wasn't beating on them or putting them in cages or anything, but our home wasn't a refuge of shalom in the covering of El Shaddai. I didn't marry according to Scripture, and I didn't raise children according to Scripture and that was an epic failure. I didn't offer the goodness of G-d's plan. Actually, I became a mother, completely outside of the will and plan of G-d, and then set out to make it right. I can tell you now, even after working to try to make it right as long as I did it wrong, there is no making up for the wrong. The failure will be forever a part of my life and the lives that have been created in the wake of that failure. Granted, I'm in good company, considering Abraham did the same thing, but that's no excuse. I already knew how his fiasco turned out, before I began my own. Thankfully my decision doesn't bear the monumental effect on humanity that his did, I hope; but there are minimal similarities.

I became a mother for selfish reasons, and that is no reason to become a mother. I wanted someone to love and to be loved. Parenthood seemed to be my right of passage. It appeared to be for my teen-aged parents; at least from my perspective. I can now tell you, parenthood for the wrong reasons, doesn't work at all. Since I wasn't mothering according to G-d's plan and He is love, I'm guessing I didn't teach or set the example of love, properly, either. I messed up my position in the family as a daughter, so I thought I'd just start my own family as a matriarch. I hate that I did this, and there is no way to humanly fix either end of the mess I made.

I was told awhile back that my ineptness is now felt by yet, the next generation and I feel just horrible about that. I've been following Messiah now and serving YHWH for nearly 20 years. I was so sure, becoming a grandma after walking with YHWH would be like a clean slate, a fresh start, but I was mistaken. My life in Messiah came before this grandchild, long before, but apparently the damage in the previous 20 years is still causing pain and certainly can't be undone. From the feedback I receive, it can barely be endured. That information utterly breaks my heart. Nothing on this earth has made me happier, than becoming a grandma, and now they discuss my failings as well! I loved holding my grandchildren and singing to them and was delighted to help all I could, but that doesn't undo the damage of my previous ungodly years.

As I listened yesterday to the judgment, I thought of my beautiful creative granddaughter that now says I favor another. I remembered just a couple of months ago of calling three different phone numbers to wish her a Happy Birthday. Ultimately, I left a message asking someone to please have her call me, so I could wish her a Happy Birthday, but that attempt isn't even considered against the grudges that are held and the judgments which have already been formed. In the grand scheme of it all, that was very recent and already discounted, so what can I do? Absolutely nothing! I thought of how sad I was that we didn't get to share the paints and art supplies last summer, but the complete and utter break down had already taken place and it just never came to fruition. It's so pathetically sad, the situation cannot be pinpointed to a single foremost regrettable transgression, as the evidence of failure seems to keep snowballing and multiplying. I just know, I can't fix it and I regret having made the mess. I am sad about the foundation I laid for their future, so many years ago. That is not to say YHWH cannot make things right, but HE is the only one who can, and there are a lot more "free wills and choices" involved now.

Another sadness I have in this regard, is unlike Abraham in his day, I am by far, not the only one who has done this. So in our society, the problem is exponentially magnified. That should cause most of us a regret or two. I'm not advocating the cessation of procreation, I'm just stating, most of us are not procreating according to the plans and Instructions of our Creator and the results are costly. I can't even imagine all the lost souls we've created who grow up and raise more lost souls. The emotional pain is horrible to experience and to watch, and the solutions of choice for the next generations appear to be medicating and disengaging while making more mistakes in an attempt to alleviate the pain, or at least dull it. Physically, we've created an indebted generation that has no concept of anything but instant gratification or entitled dependence. We can't blame politicians because parents failed to showing them their purposed potential! For many, "stuff" equals love, virtual; is reality, and prescriptions are "necessary."

Now, as for the woman who made the news regarding her regrets at having children. From what I've read, I don't share her regret, but I can't look at what I've done and judge another. My biggest regret regarding motherhood is the fact that my failures are now behind me, while the effects of those failures, both personal and social, may be looming in the future of my progeny.

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