In realizing the places of my very own "Gomerdom," in the book of Hosea, YHWH then led me to a place I just really wasn't wanting to see at all. Here, I'm ready to sound the warning, "the fish are dying, we are lacking knowledge," and He tells me to read Judges. So, I get all excited knowing that's the book that makes a big deal out of left-handers. I'm left handed, ya know! And there's Deborah, my name of dedication . . . So, I get all excited and then as I read, it's good Word, but nothing hitting my spirit as in plan or purpose at this time, so I kept reading and then a deluge of my own memories began to flood my awareness in torrents, along about chapter 14.
Thoughts of my late teens and twenties nearly overwhelmed me. Interestingly, it wasn't condemnation, because I've been forgiven, but it was reality, none the less. I saw how "odd ball" I'd been in my attempt to be normal. Sadly, it got worse . . . by the time I was in chapter 16. I knew there was something I had to see, and it wasn't going to be pretty, but it was going to bring full resolution to my mind. It's so fascinating how YHWH allows so many "threads" to be woven into the tapestry of His illustrations.
As I read the dialogue between Samson and Delilah, it hit me differently this time. I've read that story dozens of times, even questioned, "Why when he saw what she was up to, did he keep trying to trust her?" But this time, I heard, "Why indeed?" I've done that same thing with a couple of individuals in my life, as a servant of YHWH. As a matter of fact, I've done it, thinking I'm being forgiving and going the second mile, when in reality, I just didn't want to see the truth.
I thought of my last honeymoon, and don't worry, there won't be any intimate details, because while I was in a beautiful room in a very grand hotel, the groom was in the maintenance break room, sharing wishful thinking and tall tales . . . I mean everyone there had to know, if there'd actually been a good time going on, he wouldn't have been in their break room. Just like Samson, I wanted to trust this person, so rather than having the marriage annulled, I stayed . . . but it didn't stop. The lack of intimate respect was relentless. Who speaks of past intimacies with their partner in times of attempted intimacy and what kind of a person speaks of a committed partner like a one night stand?
It took a few times, just like Samson, before I finally got the message. By that time, coincidentally, this man had actually cut my hair . . . Let me clarify something with the following, boring explanation. This person didn't secretly cut my hair, I'd tried a temp color about the time I met him, then used a permanent color before the wedding because we were supposed to be going to a great place of swimming and wonderful waters. So not only was the honeymoon humiliatingly isolating, I didn't get to go swimming, either! So not wanting to continue dying my hair, I let it grow a few months and cut it at the "dye root line," and he helped. I just couldn't see to do anything but resign myself to his tiresome grind. There was one thing to which I clung. I had heard YHWH say, "When your hair is long and gray," but no specific reference was spoken.
It was really difficult to continue reading Chapter 16, in that every stupid thing Samson did, I'd done. Rather than get blinded, I got blind sided and tried to cover that fact with rose colored glasses for a time, but meanwhile . . . the truth came out and my hair has been growing. My hair is now well over a yard long and quite naturally gray. The passage states specifically that Samson judged Israel for 20 years and my 20th anniversary of serving YHWH is less than a year away. Am I reading too many comparisons into this? I'm not thinking I'll be surrounded by Philistines next summer, but I do know I received the closure I had longed for, and experienced a wholeness I'd never imagined when I saw myself in Samson.
No comments:
Post a Comment