The Samson Syndrome

As a woman, I didn't recognize it in myself right away, but I finally recognized it and learned a few years back.  Now, by the grace of YHWH, I do not choose to be blind to it, have received His power to avoid it, and been given discernment to recognize it and sound the warning.

Basically, the short explanation is being distracted by trying to make up for a perceived shortcoming or self-diagnosed lack by trusting your own plan or worse, the wrong person; in an attempt to achieve YHWH's plan.  Sadly, I've done it more than once, but I'll use my most outstanding situation because it affects several of us.  The reality is, church is really no place to be single, if you want to feel comfortable.  Oh, I know there are singles groups, "friend fellowship" for divorcees, and support meetings for those who are widowed, but there is an underlying reality.  I can't speak for the widowed groups as often the departed was also a member of the church, but most church singles groups are established to "meet" like minded and like spirited individuals.  Most of the divorce fellowship is clearly offered to avoid making the same mistake again; although some denominations forbid remarriage after divorce.  Now, on to my confession . . .

My marriage was already falling apart, when I entered covenant with YHWH in Moshiach.  My husband was a good man, we were simply not joined.  As far as I know, we were both faithful and he was more than fair in the divorce.  He has since married his high school sweet heart and they appear to have a wonderful relationship.  Here's where my Sampson Syndrome took me down.  It seemed everyplace I attempted to fellowship, women didn't really like me.  I was sure if I was married, that would change their perspective.  By that same token, although I wasn't after anyone's man, I'm guessing, since I thought marriage was the key, I gave the appearance of looking.  On top of being single, I was also Torah observant, which was not always warmly received, either.  So, here I am thinking I need to be married so everyone will quit looking at me like I'm on the prowl . . . I was so sure, something completely out of my grasp would solve my problem and I was also sure another human being would provide the inroad for me to accomplish the purpose YHWH had for me.   See the problem?  Well, I didn't at the time.

Meanwhile, I was completely immersed in ministry outside of the "mainstream mega-rejection" called church.  I facilitated a mission, fed the neighborhood kids on the week-end when they came for a Bible study.  I served as a community chaplain to the state mental health facility, not on their payroll, so I could actually talk about Scripture.  I served as chaplain for both the fire and police departments, and even did some traveling abroad in ministry.  I also attended a traditional synagogue, with the congregants acknowledging I was different as a believer that Messiah had already come, but was still welcome to attend.  I was single and ministering every day somewhere, everywhere, except the church . . . I knew I was called to bring Torah to the church, so like Sampson eyeing the Philistines, I was sure the inroad to church was marriage to a Christian.  You'd think I'd have guarded my heart, knowing how it turned out for Samson, but I was still quite blinded by the pseudo-religious, societal idea of marriage.

As a Sabbath keeper, I was available to play the keyboard for various small churches on Sundays.  As it turns out, there was a death in the family in one of those "family churches" meaning the music department and pastor would all be gone.  When the pastor called to ask if I could do the music, I agreed without hesitation . . . It was that evening that would ultimately lead me to a place I just wasn't expecting to land.  The guest pastor informed me that the piano player in his church had recently passed away, and invited me to come out and play.  I wrote down the name and the directions, but didn't go the next Sunday, or the next . . . Finally, one Sunday morning I set out for this little country church called "Way of Life."  I enjoyed it, went back the next week, and since they only had church on Sunday morning, responded with a "yes" when they asked for a 3 month commitment.

The next Sunday morning, I sat in the usual place for a the piano player . . . Second row, piano side.  Also in the pew was a man whom I'd never seen there.  Through the course of the service, it was announced that "Brother Bob" had a new job and was working Sundays.  After the service, I handed him one of my cards and told him about the Sabbath gathering at the mission on Friday evenings.  My parting words were, "Don't lose fellowship."  Within weeks he visited the mission, but there was one big red flag I was overlooking.  He was consistently late, I mean disruptively late, but his church folk were also coming for Sabbath fellowship and we were all enjoying a pretty fine oneg, as well.  The church gals were just precious, in bringing "extra" for the children who would be there the next day.  Life seemed good and I invited "Brother Bob" for dinner one night that wasn't a Sabbath.  There were a couple of weeks of miscommunication, etc, but basically, we began dating . . .

Through the course of the courtship, I had a couple of misgivings, but I talked myself out of them . . .  It's so easy to judge Samson's decision to trust, time and again; then never even consider the reflection in the mirror.  I moved right along and got married, just sure this was the inroad to ministering to the church. In less than a month after the marriage, the church where I'd met this man, made it clear I was no longer welcome . . .  Suffice it to say, a Christian marriage was not the inroad into the church, nor did it give me the married respectability I'd hoped.  As a matter of fact, the results were quite the opposite.

This is not to say the person or distraction of itself is evil or nefarious, but rather the danger in trusting one's own idea of an inroad, especially in ministry, could be a very costly and blinding distraction.

Trust in YHWH with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  Proverbs 3:5

Back to Living Scripture

In realizing the places of my very own "Gomerdom," in the book of Hosea, YHWH then led me to a place I just really wasn't wanting to see at all.  Here, I'm ready to sound the warning, "the fish are dying, we are lacking knowledge," and He tells me to read Judges.  So, I get all excited knowing that's the book that makes a big deal out of left-handers.  I'm left handed, ya know!  And there's Deborah, my name of dedication . . . So, I get all excited and then as I read, it's good Word, but nothing hitting my spirit as in plan or purpose at this time, so I kept reading and then a deluge of my own memories began to flood my awareness in torrents, along about chapter 14.

Thoughts of my late teens and twenties nearly overwhelmed me.  Interestingly, it wasn't condemnation, because I've been forgiven, but it was reality,  none the less.  I saw how "odd ball" I'd been in my attempt to be normal.  Sadly, it got worse . . . by the time I was in chapter 16.  I knew there was something I had to see, and it wasn't going to be pretty, but it was going to bring full resolution to my mind.  It's so fascinating how YHWH allows so many "threads" to be woven into the tapestry of His illustrations.

As I read the dialogue between Samson and Delilah, it hit me differently this time.  I've read that story dozens of times, even questioned, "Why when he saw what she was up to, did he keep trying to trust her?"  But this time, I heard, "Why indeed?"  I've done that same thing with a couple of individuals in my life, as a servant of YHWH.  As a matter of fact, I've done it, thinking I'm being forgiving and going the second mile, when in reality, I just didn't want to see the truth.

I thought of my last honeymoon, and don't worry, there won't be any intimate details, because while I was in a beautiful room in a very grand hotel, the groom was in the maintenance break room, sharing wishful thinking and tall tales . . .  I mean everyone there had to know, if there'd actually been a good time going on, he wouldn't have been in their break room.  Just like Samson, I wanted to trust this person, so rather than having the marriage annulled, I stayed . . . but it didn't stop.  The lack of intimate respect was relentless.  Who speaks of past intimacies with their partner in times of attempted intimacy and what kind of a person speaks of a committed partner like a one night stand?

It took a few times, just like Samson, before I finally got the message.  By that time, coincidentally, this man had actually cut my hair . . .  Let me clarify something with the following, boring explanation.  This person didn't secretly cut my hair, I'd tried a temp color about the time I met him, then used a permanent color before the wedding because we were supposed to be going to a great place of swimming and wonderful waters.  So not only was the honeymoon humiliatingly isolating, I didn't get to go swimming, either!  So not wanting to continue dying my hair, I let it grow a few months and cut it at the "dye root line," and he helped.  I just couldn't see to do anything but resign myself to his tiresome grind.  There was one thing to which I clung.  I had heard YHWH say, "When your hair is long and gray," but no specific reference was spoken.

It was really difficult to continue reading Chapter 16, in that every stupid thing Samson did, I'd done.  Rather than get blinded, I got blind sided and tried to cover that fact with rose colored glasses for a time, but meanwhile . . . the truth came out and my hair has been growing.   My hair is now well over a yard long and quite naturally gray.   The passage states specifically that Samson judged Israel for 20 years and my 20th anniversary of serving YHWH is less than a year away.   Am I reading too many comparisons into this?   I'm not thinking I'll be surrounded by Philistines next summer, but I do know I received the closure I had longed for, and experienced a wholeness I'd never imagined when I saw myself in Samson.