The Samson Syndrome

As a woman, I didn't recognize it in myself right away, but I finally recognized it and learned a few years back.  Now, by the grace of YHWH, I do not choose to be blind to it, have received His power to avoid it, and been given discernment to recognize it and sound the warning.

Basically, the short explanation is being distracted by trying to make up for a perceived shortcoming or self-diagnosed lack by trusting your own plan or worse, the wrong person; in an attempt to achieve YHWH's plan.  Sadly, I've done it more than once, but I'll use my most outstanding situation because it affects several of us.  The reality is, church is really no place to be single, if you want to feel comfortable.  Oh, I know there are singles groups, "friend fellowship" for divorcees, and support meetings for those who are widowed, but there is an underlying reality.  I can't speak for the widowed groups as often the departed was also a member of the church, but most church singles groups are established to "meet" like minded and like spirited individuals.  Most of the divorce fellowship is clearly offered to avoid making the same mistake again; although some denominations forbid remarriage after divorce.  Now, on to my confession . . .

My marriage was already falling apart, when I entered covenant with YHWH in Moshiach.  My husband was a good man, we were simply not joined.  As far as I know, we were both faithful and he was more than fair in the divorce.  He has since married his high school sweet heart and they appear to have a wonderful relationship.  Here's where my Sampson Syndrome took me down.  It seemed everyplace I attempted to fellowship, women didn't really like me.  I was sure if I was married, that would change their perspective.  By that same token, although I wasn't after anyone's man, I'm guessing, since I thought marriage was the key, I gave the appearance of looking.  On top of being single, I was also Torah observant, which was not always warmly received, either.  So, here I am thinking I need to be married so everyone will quit looking at me like I'm on the prowl . . . I was so sure, something completely out of my grasp would solve my problem and I was also sure another human being would provide the inroad for me to accomplish the purpose YHWH had for me.   See the problem?  Well, I didn't at the time.

Meanwhile, I was completely immersed in ministry outside of the "mainstream mega-rejection" called church.  I facilitated a mission, fed the neighborhood kids on the week-end when they came for a Bible study.  I served as a community chaplain to the state mental health facility, not on their payroll, so I could actually talk about Scripture.  I served as chaplain for both the fire and police departments, and even did some traveling abroad in ministry.  I also attended a traditional synagogue, with the congregants acknowledging I was different as a believer that Messiah had already come, but was still welcome to attend.  I was single and ministering every day somewhere, everywhere, except the church . . . I knew I was called to bring Torah to the church, so like Sampson eyeing the Philistines, I was sure the inroad to church was marriage to a Christian.  You'd think I'd have guarded my heart, knowing how it turned out for Samson, but I was still quite blinded by the pseudo-religious, societal idea of marriage.

As a Sabbath keeper, I was available to play the keyboard for various small churches on Sundays.  As it turns out, there was a death in the family in one of those "family churches" meaning the music department and pastor would all be gone.  When the pastor called to ask if I could do the music, I agreed without hesitation . . . It was that evening that would ultimately lead me to a place I just wasn't expecting to land.  The guest pastor informed me that the piano player in his church had recently passed away, and invited me to come out and play.  I wrote down the name and the directions, but didn't go the next Sunday, or the next . . . Finally, one Sunday morning I set out for this little country church called "Way of Life."  I enjoyed it, went back the next week, and since they only had church on Sunday morning, responded with a "yes" when they asked for a 3 month commitment.

The next Sunday morning, I sat in the usual place for a the piano player . . . Second row, piano side.  Also in the pew was a man whom I'd never seen there.  Through the course of the service, it was announced that "Brother Bob" had a new job and was working Sundays.  After the service, I handed him one of my cards and told him about the Sabbath gathering at the mission on Friday evenings.  My parting words were, "Don't lose fellowship."  Within weeks he visited the mission, but there was one big red flag I was overlooking.  He was consistently late, I mean disruptively late, but his church folk were also coming for Sabbath fellowship and we were all enjoying a pretty fine oneg, as well.  The church gals were just precious, in bringing "extra" for the children who would be there the next day.  Life seemed good and I invited "Brother Bob" for dinner one night that wasn't a Sabbath.  There were a couple of weeks of miscommunication, etc, but basically, we began dating . . .

Through the course of the courtship, I had a couple of misgivings, but I talked myself out of them . . .  It's so easy to judge Samson's decision to trust, time and again; then never even consider the reflection in the mirror.  I moved right along and got married, just sure this was the inroad to ministering to the church. In less than a month after the marriage, the church where I'd met this man, made it clear I was no longer welcome . . .  Suffice it to say, a Christian marriage was not the inroad into the church, nor did it give me the married respectability I'd hoped.  As a matter of fact, the results were quite the opposite.

This is not to say the person or distraction of itself is evil or nefarious, but rather the danger in trusting one's own idea of an inroad, especially in ministry, could be a very costly and blinding distraction.

Trust in YHWH with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.  Proverbs 3:5

Temptation

Many folks struggle with the same temptation repeatedly.  At other times, we receive an entirely strange temptation, or a once in a lifetime chance to do it right or wrong.  I had one of those recently and I'd like to share this with those who are struggling with hurt, rejection, or feeling out of control.  Now I see why I cannot be a control freak.  Any opportunity to control, totally freaks me out.  I found myself really at a crossroads of facing a very clear reality.  Remembering the facts is not necessarily carrying a grudge, but even in light of facts, my behavior is still my responsibility.  It truly felt like the narrow path had suddenly become more like walking a tightrope or highwire.  

Do you ever want to yield to temptation?  In this particular situation, I felt like I'd put on my "big girl panties" so many times the elastic was shot and at any moment, could fall down and easily give new meaning to turning the other cheek!  I've chatted with a few women friends who speak about having meltdowns.  I know a few men of Elohim who have stated a similar perspective, as in, they'd like to "kick butt and take names . . . and repent later."  I can't judge anyone else, but I know what I felt.  I didn't have the proper Jewish mother perspective, because frankly; guilt trips take too much energy, and my "church lady" perspective is just laughable.  I wanted to be a horse's hind-end, I truly did!  I didn't want to change my desire, I wanted to justify it.

A recent temptation brought horrendous clarity to my situation.  I still remember when Mr. B told me early in this marriage that in many situations he could see that "he was just rubbing my nose in it . . . " It never mattered what "it" was, that was his method of operation.  The strange thing is, he has chosen to NOT stop doing that, and finally about eight years ago, I stopped being close enough to let him rub my nose in most things.  That passage about a dog returning to it's vomit came to mind, making it much easier to just keep a relative distance.  This last year, however; there was a situation that involved proper protocol and called for me to just suck it up and stand within hurting distance, yet without wallowing in the vomit.  It has been clear from the beginning that I am not considered part of the family, but in this situation I needed to be standing by; close enough to be helpful or tromped . . . Mr. B's mother died.

When her approaching death became imminent, the more congenial members of the family were already telling me, they understood that I needed to stay on the farm and they would not be offended by my absence.   After all these years of "undivorce," Mr. B made sure I was aware that I was disinvited to the funeral, for "religious difference."  He did let me know after the funeral that his ex wives had attended with new spouses, and a fellow congregant from my shul had come to pay respects and said to tell me, "hello."  That's still not the real problem that led to my desire to yield to temptation, as that particular town and ambiance is very much like "Peyton Place . . . " My desire to yield involved a strange connection in circumstances that have been made manifest, just in these past couple of months.  Not knowing how many of the circumstances were actually involved . . . I simply chose to be offended.

As the talk of the trust being settled continued after her death a few reminders came to light.  Of course, I was not mentioned in the trust, but the eldest son's wife was . . . I was a big girl, in my big girl panties, and there was no reason to be offended in this regard.  My brother-in-law's wife has been a part of the family for 50 years . . . I respected her place and  knew mine.  My disrespectful daughter, however; was mentioned in the trust as a beneficiary.   Just a couple of months before this trust was drawn up back in 2012, Mr. B's mother allegedly asked him through a phone conversation if he was having an affair with that particular daughter.  We were all in the same room, as he responded to her alleged accusation.  Rather than just saying "No," he responded by causing a most awkward moment, saying, "No, I'm not having an affair with _________ .

My daughter burst out laughing.  Her husband wasn't sure what to think, and two thoughts flew through my mind, well maybe three . . .  First, Dana Carvey's church lady, "Well, isn't that special . . ." and then, 'I think I raised my children better than; to even think such a thing, too bad she didn't.'   That same daughter, after leaving our place in a complete fit of idiocy, called my brother-in-law.  Other than saying she called, he's never offered to discuss the conversation.  Awkward doesn't really begin to describe this situation, now.  I do entertain my third thought, however; from time to time . . .

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago, an email arrives telling Mr. B that it's time to settle the trust and they need my daughter's address.  Then a letter from the Trust Attorney arrived.  That daughter was named specifically in the trust, and he needed to deal directly with her on the matter.    The trust could not be dispersed and settled without my daughter's address and I'm the only one who has her address and new phone number.  To heighten the pressure and make the temptation more enticing, the attorney and the executor wanted this all settled by year's end.  The narrow road now suddenly seemed to be a tightrope over a chasm.

Here's where my prayer got really honest!  I truly wanted to show my hind-end and I told Abba that.  Of course, HE already knew that, anyway.  Y'hshuwah gently reminded me of his own temptation.  I saw it so clearly, as he was offered "power and control" but, I also saw the cost of the deal that was offered in Matthew 4:8 Again, the devil taketh him up into an exceeding high mountain, and sheweth him all the kingdoms of the world, and the glory of them; 9 And saith unto him, All these things will I give thee, if thou wilt fall down and worship me.  Mr. B actually tried to passively put me on the spot last Sunday morning by picking up the phone to call his brother, telling me he needed the address.  I simply looked at him and said, "The mail doesn't run on Sunday, don't push me.  You have to idea how tempting it has been to be uncooperative at this time."

I sent the requested information before it was actually needed and the trust was dispersed per "Mother B's" wishes.  We're not talking "The One Percent" by any means, but I literally, had it within my power to have delayed the settlement of a sizeable estate . . . Had I become the horse's rear-end I first desired to be, what would I have gained?  I already knew where I stood with those involved.  Since I wasn't mentioned, I had nothing to lose . . . except my integrity and blessing of YHWH.